Is it acceptable to ask guests to pay?

It can be, as long as you're upfront from the very start. What upsets people isn't being asked to contribute; it's finding out at the last minute. A guest who knows in advance can make an informed choice. A guest who's surprised on the night feels ambushed.

Expectations depend on the occasion. For a birthday dinner at a restaurant with friends, everyone paying their own way is widely accepted. For weddings, asking guests to pay for the main meal is still frowned upon by many, so the usual approach is to host the wedding meal yourselves and offer the extras at cost: the next-day brunch, rooms at the venue, sometimes the shuttle. If your budget means you do need a contribution towards the meal, say so plainly and early, and accept that a few people may decline.

A useful test: decide what you're hosting, what you're offering at cost, and write both down. A contribution at cost price, with no mark-up, is always easy to justify.

How to word it (and when)

The right moment is the invitation or save the date, or at the latest when you ask for RSVPs. Leaving it late is never a good idea: guests need to plan their budget, especially if they're coming as a family or travelling a long way.

Keep the tone simple, warm and factual. Don't spend three paragraphs justifying yourself, and avoid vague phrasing (“a small contribution would be appreciated”) that leaves everyone guessing. Wording that works: “Saturday's dinner is on us. For anyone who'd like to stay on, Sunday brunch and rooms at the venue are available at cost: £15 for brunch and £35 per adult per night. Please book and pay by 15 May.”

For a birthday, you can be even more direct: “I'm celebrating my 40th at a restaurant on 12 June! The set menu is £35 per adult and £15 per child, drinks included. Please sign up and pay by 1 June so I can confirm numbers.” A specific amount, a deadline and a reason: that's all you need.

Setting prices: adults, children and extras

A clear price list heads off most questions before they're asked. List each item with its price, and set separate prices for children. Here's an example for a two-day wedding where guests pay for the extras:

With that grid, a family of two adults with an 8-year-old and a baby, staying for brunch and one night at the venue, pays: brunch 2 × £15 + £8 (the baby is free), one night 2 × £35, so £108 in total. Easy enough once, but repeat it for 40 households by hand and mistakes creep in.

Two tips. Spell out what's free (“shuttle included”, “under-3s free”): showing a £0 price reassures people more than saying nothing. And ask for dietary needs (vegetarian, allergies) in the same place as the paid options, so you don't have to chase everyone a second time.

• Saturday dinner: hosted
• Sunday brunch: £15 per adult, £8 per child aged 3 to 12
• Night at the venue: £35 per adult, free for children sharing their parents' room
• Station to venue shuttle: included
• Under-3s: free for all meals

Which payment methods to offer

The more ways guests can pay, the fewer excuses you'll hear. Bank transfer and PayPal cover most people, and some guests, often older relatives, will still prefer a cheque or cash.

With bank transfers, the classic problem is a missing or meaningless reference. Give each guest a reference to put on their payment, and display your bank details so they can be copied without typos. For cash and cheques, note them down the moment you receive them, not “later”.

One thing people often overlook: keep event money separate from your everyday spending, or at least track it separately. When the caterer asks for the final balance, you'll want to know exactly how much has come in.

Tracking who's paid and sending polite reminders

This is the thankless bit: working out who has paid, who says they've paid and who hasn't sent anything. A shared spreadsheet works for fifteen people, much less so for a hundred. And personally chasing an uncle or a colleague is always a little uncomfortable.

Filomy's Sign-ups & payments feature is designed for exactly this. You create the form on your event's mini-site (the “Wedding” and “Party dinner” templates are ready to go), with your adult and child prices, your extras and the payment methods you accept: bank transfer with copy buttons for your bank details, PayPal, cheque, cash and more. Guests reply from the link you send by WhatsApp or email, with no app to install, and see their total calculated automatically.

Each registration gets a unique reference (FLM-XXXXXX) to use on the transfer. The guest clicks “I've paid”, you confirm when it arrives, and you can always see what's expected, confirmed, declared and still outstanding. For latecomers, an email reminder goes out in one click, in a neutral tone that doesn't put anyone on the spot. You can also import your bank statement so transfers are matched automatically by reference, amount and name.

Whatever method you use, keep reminders factual: “Quick reminder: brunch sign-ups close on Friday, and your total is £46.” No guilt, just the useful information. One reminder a week before the deadline and another the day before is plenty.

Handling last-minute changes

Things will change: a poorly child, a couple who end up staying at a hotel, a cousin who signs up the day before. Set your rule before it happens. For example: full refund up to the deadline, then a refund only if the caterer lets you off. Announced upfront, a clear rule never comes across as petty.

For late additions, stay in control: in Filomy you can add a registration manually for someone who replied by phone, or adjust a price case by case (a gesture for a guest who could only make it for dessert, say). What matters is that the summary stays accurate, because that's what you'll send to the caterer.

One last habit: a few days before the event, export the guest list as a CSV along with the day-by-day meal and night summary. You'll have the exact number of adult and child covers, dietary needs and payment status to hand, in case anyone asks where they stand.